I. WAS JESUS RED OR BLUE?

II. THE '04 ELECTION: TEXAS TWANG VS. THE FRENCH CONNECTION

III. THE BUSHMEN WARRIORS

IV. CAN THERE BE A CULTURE WAR WITHOUT ANY CULTURE?

V. THE AGE OF A-QUEER-IUS

VI. IRAQ-TILE DYSFUNCTION

VII. PEEVED OR RELIEVED AT RELIGION ON THE SLEEVE?

VIII. THE MEDIA: IS THE FOURTH ESTATE ALSO FOURTH-RATE?

IX. DESPERATE DEMOCRATS

X. HOMELAND OFFENSE

XI. EPILOGUE: OUR COMMON VALUES





With Jesus' teachings on the poor

The subject on which he was vocal-est

How was he hijacked by the Right-Wing?

When he was probably the world's first Socialist

But I suspect the liberals

Wouldn't mind all the talk

Of God and religious forces

If Bush had actually put Jesus in charge

Of Health and Human Resources



They told us Iraq had "Yellowcake"

I'm personally partial to Babka

Now we're stuck in a huge quagmire

A nightmare right out of Kafka

While most people readily admit this mistake

Some act like they've had a lobotomy

They'd probably believe it if Bush proclaimed

That Saddam had invented sodomy



The exit polls say

Values rule the day

And are closest to a Red Stater's heart

But what if the values they were talking about

Were the Two-for-One sales at Wal-Mart



I betcha' the people bitchin' the most

About moral decay and failure

Are the same ones watching reality shows

About swapping Mom's genitalia



More than twenty years after

The Reagan Revolution

The Christian Right is trying

To discredit Evolution

But before all you Seculars

Get all bent out of joint

Take a good look at those folks

They just may prove their own point



Great events often make great men

For Exhibit A, just see Rudy

Pre-9/11, kicked out by his wife

And living with friends who were fruity

But Giuliani never gave up

Kept alive his dreams and his hunger

Then when national tragedy struck

Morphed into Churchill from Felix Unger



Dubya admitted he failed to consult

His Dad about Iraq

After all, Senior lacked the vision thing

And backed off Baghdad in the Gulf War attack

Instead, Junior spoke to a Higher Authority

Which is actually completely rational

If you happen to be the President

And CEO of Hebrew National



Hardball, Crossfire, The McLaughlin Group

All yelling at the top of their lungs

Would the national dialogue be better served

If we simply cut out their tongues

But on second thought, all this white noise

Really does serve the nation

After all, man can't live by smut alone

He also needs mental masturbation



Hollywood is far too liberal

Says the Right-Wing Spin Machine

Even movies by Dirty Harry

Should not be released or ever seen

But there's a reason conservative ideologues

Want Million Dollar Baby back on the shelf

If you're gonna commit suicide ...

You really oughta do it yourself!



The appointment of Supreme Court Justices

Is another Red/Blue War

The Bushies search for someone

Who'll show Roe v. Wade the door

Now, liberals want the death penalty killed

And to give the poor some hope

So why can't we just compromise ...

And nominate the Pope!

But for those who fear

That our secular State

Will become more religious than the Shia

It may be too late

We can't escape our fate

We've already got Scalia



And now those Congressional Puritans

Who think they're the Holy See

Want to extend

FCC "Decency Rules"

To satellite and cable TV

But for those who still like

A little boob on the tube

This is really a shame and a pity

I won't shell out

Ninety bucks a month

To watch Abstinence In The City



We lack Arab-speaking analysts

Not because we can't afford to pay

It's simply due

To some bureaucratic yahoo

Who fired translators that were gay

Now, if this passes for National Security

Perhaps we'd be safer on Saturn's Moons

Did they really fear

That an analyst queer

Would translate Al Qaeda emails into show tunes?



The Fundamentalists' outing of SpongeBob as gay

Was particularly outrageous and nervy

But could you really blame SquarePants

If he didn't like girls

Since they keep telling him he's not spongeworthy



While we celebrate Iraqi democracy

We should check if our own is still vital

What does it say?

When the votes on Election Day

Are less than those for American Idol

And let's not ignore Bush vs. Gore

Our system broke like a virgin's hymen

This bloody mess, would have been butchered less

By Randy, Paula and Simon